man cannot live from bread alone
if you feed rats for seventy-five years only with bread and water they will eventually die
in france the potato crops still suffer from the destructive beetle the allies dropped over germany during world war II
if you collect these beetles in jars, burn them alive and spread their ashes over an affected crop, the beetles numbers will be greatly reduced in the next season
the only type of scarecrow to enjoy continuing success in combating the destruction to crops caused by any type of pest is a living scarecrow
a living scarecrow fed on bread and water alone will live for exactly seventy-five years
dead scarecrows are content with their lot
living scarecrows do not enjoy rats, beetles or crows; nor do they enjoy being placed in fields to deal with rats, beetles and crows for a working life of exactly seventy-five years
to tell the difference between a living scarecrow and a dead scarecrow, persuade the living scarecrow to betray the dead scarecrow, or vice-versa
dead scarecrows keep secrets better than living ones
crows enjoy beetles but do not eat their ashes
rats enjoy beetles but prefer to eat old cardboard which has a lower nutritional content but tastes better
rats also eat scarecrows, but will only tackle living scarecrows in large numbers
when a living scarecrow eats of the potato crop it is protecting, it is
permanently relieved of its post by the farmer
therefore a living scarecrow, unhappy with its lot, can shorten its career by up to seventy-five years with the consumption of one raw potato
a living scarecrow relieved of its post will be stored for the remainder of its existence in the farmer's darkest, dampest barn
there are more rats in the farmer's darkest, dampest barn than there are anywhere except in the underground systems of the largest cities
living scarecrows which live in the largest cities do not enjoy being underground
beetles and crows visit large cities only to feed and never go underground
they feed in the cities unhindered by scarecrows, living or dead
no scarecrow living or dead in a city is expected to deal with rats, beetles or crows
in a city, a living scarecrow is supplied with two legs for walking, one bed in a room and an empty bank account
city-dwelling dead scarecrows are required never to leave their beds, notwithstanding perfectly functional legs
city-dwelling living scarecrows leave their rooms during daylight hours once in a week to shop for potatoes, bread and water
to pay for these goods, living scarecrows work under-cover during daylight hours as police cadets, viral researchers, tram-drivers, advertising salespersons, dentists, glaziers, dog-trainers, bed-salespersons and outdoor swimming-pool attendants
no scarecrow is permitted to steal goods from another scarecrow: however, a scarecrow who refuses to eat bread or potatoes is allowed once in seventy-five years to steal from a reputable retail store anything it wishes within the bounds of reason
a well organised living scarecrow living up to seventy-five years in a large city may steal, on the single occasion allowed, one of the following items:
a sony walkman
a sewing machine
a bucket of frozen water
a jam roll
a pair of blue flip-flops
a pig farm
a spy satellite
a trombone
an island
a pair of crutches
a title
a box of swiss chocolates
a power station
a potato
a dead female scarecrow
a convertible sports car
a pair of wellington boots
a lorry-load of coal
a sherman tank
a pocket-sized packet of kleenex tissues
a shovel
a tiara
a computer chip
a hospital
a hat
thirty used bank-notes
a waterproof tent
a bag of marbles
one thousand yards of razor wire
a wax crayon
a world atlas
a bath filled with goats milk
a water-pistol
a condom
a hamster
a box of matches
a whaling harpoon
a library
a cappuccino
twelve rubber-bands
a ticket to the opera
a roof
a stop-watch
some toothpaste
an unsuccessful television series
a brothel
a tea plantation
a colt 44
a slice of wedding-cake
some bread
a pair of binoculars
Renι Schwettge, as depicted in the Berlin murals
"Summer, Autumn, Winter, Spring"
