WALLY'S LOG 2005

A RELUCTANT SPY

sums up a civilised evening of art and mature red wine in an arty mature red wine-cellar which turned into a staggering evening amongst almost naked teenagers in shiny red booties at the Kinski Bar around the corner, the best bar in Neukölln as it happens. Not only has Nosferatu's Pleasure Dome been left out of today's bulletin, for decency's sake it can be assumed, but also an important little detail concerning a shady business decision taken at the very height of blood betwixt the two Uglies present and at least two of myself. But no rush. This sexy Berlin night-crowd will taste another morsel of plotting, wicked imagination soon enough...

"I'll write a report, but only one or two sentences long, a sort of haiku slander. Honestly, I don't know why I do this, but you asked for it.
Last night out of Wallywoods saw the exhibit of a superlative series of acrylics by Sig Bang Schmidt, explosive jazz symphonies of color and form, at a wine gallery offering drinkable wine but bad taste in what used to be a Turkish slum and is now the latest neighborhood in Berlin to be invaded by young Swabians and pretentious Americans of all ages, though with the exception of a lovely Turkish woman with long silky black hair the vernissage was attended by mostly middle-aged Germans suffering from constipation, and just a few but very pretentious Americans."

Oh Spy! Are you weakening? Were you, alone and faithless, bitten and sucked and robbed of your magnificent snake-evil tongue last night?

JÜDT-ZANN ORCHESTRA

MR ZANN, 27.04.05

Michael Zann (electric violin and tapes) and Dieter Jüdt (electric guitar) have been working on their concept for 'new electro-acoustic chillout music' for a couple of years, and being the perfectionists they are the quality of performance (and Sir Thomas' recording - when he finally arrived) surpassed all expectations.
Having recruited Michael from a standards jazz band (why do I hate jazz? I guess I just don't wanna grow old...) in Arcanoa about three days before, there was little time for publicity. I just made a bag. However, the few people who turned up sat enthralled in respectful meditative silence... until an impromptu jam session took a grip on everyone present and at least three great local talents (excluding myself, who was physically halted from banging on the organ) threw in their oars: English Rick from next door, Norwegian Kristian (who will host the new Wallywoods Open Mike nights on Tuesdays - whenever he's not playing away on Scandanavian cruise ships) and his friend Gustavo from Argentina, who enjoyed himself so much that he circumnavigated the gallery knocking tunes out of bottles and works of art using those little xylophone sticks (the toy xylophone was an instant hit - the best fourteen Euros invested in this place to date). When Mr Zann accompanied Mr Kristian on the poop-deck - for the first time I think - I realised what a super adventure all this is turning out to be.

The sheer work, on the other hand, in trying to get the fast-rising tide of material edited, designed and fit for the shelves, sinks me just thinking about it.

I need a sound engineer above all else. One who doesn't want money and turns up when he says so. Or are they ALL bastards? (Not you, Sir Thomas.)

SIG BANG SCHMIDT

SIG BANG SCHMIDT EXHIBITION

I knew that most of Siggy's exhibition had hung last year at the Anti-War Museum in Wedding, although stupidly and typically I never made time to visit. I also knew from the first viewing at his flat last month that they fitted the concept here like a fur-lined gasmask (beneath the facade of chaos lurks indeed a concept at Wallywoods). But only on the day did I learn that the twenty one-off prints chosen for the show belong to a series of about 3000 works produced over two years – an startling body of images - the majority of which exist only virtually in his computer due to prohibitive printing costs; a frustrating paradoxical fact-of-life I understand very well...

Would write more but too exhausted. After The Major and our new Polish friends left the premises the opening turned into six people sitting around a table singing something between the Wallywoods Rock Opera and Auld Langs Syne, rap version. The Spy, whose bayonet-tongue and finger-tips never stop working on some unfortunate friend or foe, was apparently exhausted too, as He-She only managed to the following volley of truths and mis-truths:

"Last night two faggot drunks walked in whom the gracious host graciously refused to serve. The gracious host, more exhausted than ever but still on his feet, then spent half the evening preparing to throw them in the gutter and step on their ugly faces when, suddenly and without warning, one of them made the biggest purchase in Wallywoods history. In the aftershock the harassed ghost, no longer on his feet, was heard by all within range conspiring in the ear of Sir Thomas: I still want to throw the cunt out."

Yes indeed, the most pedantic, obnoxious, paranoid and pissed-as-a-fart guest the place has entertained for a week or two - an artist himself, surprise, surprise - paid the first three-figure sum to the gallery for an original Schmidt print.

What a cunt!

In a similar vein, Andreas, the great I.P.E.T.T. art-brain and Wally supporter with more intellect than twelve Wallys fused together at a NASA intellect breeding laboratory, flatteringly writes:

"Hat mir bei Dir gefallen, Wally.
Ich lebe für eine Konstruktion und nicht Destruktion.
Und Dein Weg bis dahin, wo Du heute bist, gefällt mir sehr gut.
Jeden Tag um das kämpfen, was aus einem heraus kommt.
Oder so subjektiv wie möglich sein, damit das Leben eine Identität und einen Spaß hat."

Photo: Thomas Heger

Latest news from the Kreuzberg Front:

VERNISSAGE / ART OPENING:
Wednesday 16 March, 18.00 (midnight curfew!)
SIG BANG SCHMIDT presents
"WAR WORKS"
Unique or strictly rationed digitalized prints
On parade in the newly refurbished secondary exhibition bunker:

"Der in Berlin und Wien lebende Maler Sig Bang Schmidt zeigt Arbeiten aus seinen Serien von digitalen Übermalungen zum Thema Krieg. Sig Bang Schmidt verdeutlicht in seinen neuesten Arbeiten den Dialog von abstraktem Expressionismus und Popart. Weiterhin bleibt sein malerisches Thema die Form. Er bleibt in der Tradition von Jackson Pollock und Paul Klee. Die digitale Übermalung eröffnete ihm einen weiten und mehr intimen Blick auf die photographische Dokumentation. Mit leuchtenden Farben und durch die Fragmentierung will er die Aufmerksamkeit des Betrachters hinter das Bild führen. Die brutale Szene entschwindet in die Phantasie (www.greatwar.nl). Gezeigt werden Unikate - Ausdrucke aus der Serie WW1 - Übermalungen von Originalphotographie aus dem Ersten Weltkrieg - und Arbeiten aus der Serie WIR WAREN MASSENMÖRDER.DE als Computeranimation.." (www.agentur-bildende-kunst.de)

Plus, for light relief,
UNVEILING of Wally's exclusive new
DESIGNER LABEL SHOPPING BAGS
originals, printed on the premises, 12 euros each (make nice presents)
images & slogans including WAR WORKS / BIKE / DO NOT TOUCH / GRANNY RAPED ME
TSUNAMI TAKEAWAY / THEY SHOOT CHILDREN DON'T THEY / WALLY SHARK MEETS SAATCHI WABBIT...
+ live music by unexpected volunteer(s)!

Wednesday 23 March, 19.00:
IN THE THICK OF IT
(WAR FILMS)
Introduced by Sir Thomas Heger
+ "music to die by"
+ cheap art auction...

Wednesday 30 March, 19.00:
FINISSAGE / CLOSING SHOW
GERDA SCHMIDT reads from the bunker:
Die letzten Tage der Menschheit by Karl Kraus
+ sound & light installation
followed by a victory concert from
LIZZY WOOD and BRUNO ADAMS – ALIVE!
(a Wallywoods recording session)
+ cheap art auction commanded by Sir Thomas Heger

Be there or be a square-basher...

March 9

KAI POHL & HARRY COLTELLO

HARRY COLTELLO 9.3.05

Photo: Thomas Heger

"Dear Wallyshoppers,

Performing this Wednesday evening at the all-new art-discount megalomania store WALLYWOODS is low-fi trash rock'n'roll star HARRY COLTELLO. Mr Coltello will be supported by advertising designer KAI POHL, who will read from his infamous new text HEIMAT, MIR GRAUT VOR DIR.

The unveiling of WALLY'S SPRINGWEAR COLLECTION FOR UNHAPPY CHILDREN is not expected to draw an eager crowd - indeed many of the creations are not for retail - but not to be missed post 9pm is SIR THOMAS and his OCCASIONAL "BILLIG ABER KUNST" ("CHEAP BUT ART") AUCTION, during which items from Mr Pohl's fabulous BURGER KRIEG range of LOGOWEAR, including mugs and park-benches, will be thrown at anyone who happens to pass by for a matter of pennies..."

And, cracking the mould somewhat, that is exactly what happened.

March 7

FROM HARRY B.

referring to a statement I have no recollection of making:

"Hi Wally,
Now I understand what you meant when you said that the Scots can't speak English:
There is a balance to be had between inadequate air space which will limit root growth and drainage, and too large a pore space which can result in the need for too great an input of irrigation and fertiliser due to high leaching rates, or worse, an unstable surface."

Thanks Harry.

March 5

COUSIN RUSSELL

Congratulations Russell. How fairs the Island? Sorry to hear about the flat. When are you and Julie coming to visit? Why don't you treat yourself to an e-mail address for your birthday?

March 2

UGLY AMERICAN, SEAGULL, BIG FUCKING CHAIRS & THE WALLYWOODS ROCK OPERA

UGLY AMERICAN 02.03.05 BIG FUCKING CHAIRS POSTER

Did no work at all for the installation other than tidy the place up in time for Ugly American and his Wall Street friend, Willem Dafoe look-alike Gerhardt (the other Gerhard), together alias Seagull, to lead the first Wallywoods Rock Opera jam session.

New recording equipment purchased an hour before the curtain went up tested out well, as did new sound engineer Sir Thomas - until Sir Thomas, over-flowing with excitement in his new role, christened the new mixing deck with a new bottle of medium-quality sparkling white wine; and yet another distorted, drunken cameo-impersonation of Nikki Sudden by otherwise unstoppable Ugly American was cut short. Thank your gods. Probably won't go to print this time around. But U.A.'s improvised black-chic-soul-vocals were groovy on top of Gerhardt's ambient Rain Music, refreshingly released later in the evening from a clever little laptop he brought with him and sadly did not leave behind in the wreckage. It is dearly hoped that they, either or both, will return for another Rock Opera drenching when the whole thing may get done properly (burned on CDs to sell in the shop).
As a respected but vague and distant cousin once humorously suggested, "that was the most fun I had on a Wednesday night despite laughing through every take."

Business, meanwhile, is looking warmer than the weather, which has dropped through the floor. In just two days the following items were liberated from Camp Wallywoods by four separate, money-paying customers:

1 bag with BURGER KRIEG logo by K. Pohl (10 euro)
1 bag with LEID logo by K. Pohl (10 euro)
1 mug with LEID logo by K. Pohl (18 euro)
1 limited edition art-print (A2 without frame) title: SKYRING by Woods (50 euro)
2 limited edition mini-posters by Woods (A3) entitled: MUMMY, I GODDA BAD TASTE IN MY XXXX MOUF and SUPERMAN IS DEAD, BIG DEAL (10 euro x2)
(+ 1 order for I'M THE BLOODY QUEEN OF ENGLAND)
1 child's dress by Woods (created for next week's DO NOT TOUCH fashion show) title: KICK ME TO DEATH (10 euro, beaten down from 20 euro)

Released from detention in Poland (Pole-dancing jokes) and more recently released from a prison in Czech Republic (slander of the national character and pole-dancing jokes), the Spy has been able, between or during bouts of diarrhoea, to file the following partially correct however UNCENSORED version of the above-mentioned occurance:

"Last Wednesday at Wallywoods was truly a night to question. One latecomer was in fact overheard asking: "What does it all mean?" The evening started off on a good note with the presentation of a new acquisition, namely a recording studio. In the future all Wednesday nights and any other nights too will be recorded and pressed, to be sold as part of a series of Wallywoods sessions. The music will reflect the varying tastes of Wally and his woods. Thomas Heger will lend his engineering skills. Mr Heger in setting up the equipment demonstrated his technological prowess with another significant question: "What does that button do?" just before a drunken guest popped a bottle of bad Sekt all over the main board. Not to worry, they still have the receipt. Already the first recording artist appeared without being invited but was signed up after a round of hearty applause greeted his music. Gerhardt Siegl of "Seagull" fame brought his partner and collaborator, namely his laptop, for a sampling of his symphonic sound sculptures. So impressed was the host, the artist Paul Woods, that he wasted no time in offering him a questionable deal.

Business is looking on the up. Whereas at first the guests browsed but didn't buy, now hardly a day goes by without more than a few purchases. Selling like hotcakes are the logo transmogrifications of computer artist Kai Pohl as adapted by the Wallywoods trademark. Lidl bags as Leid bags. Aldi/Armut teeshirts. Burger King/Buerger Krieg coffee mugs. In the works are a series of bank commercials for the homeless. As well Wally has been selling samples from his new fashion line, serial killer/pedophile clothing for kids. No sooner did someone ask, "Who the hell is gonna buy their kid a pullover that says BUGGER MY BABY BROTHER?" than someone bought a tiny dress embossed with the rather cryptic inscription KICK ME TO DEATH. When asked his intention, the host, the artist Paul Woods suggested that "the clothes can either be worn casually or simply draped over the corpse."

As well the evening saw the return of the previously banned ugly American (no relation to the reappearance of this column), smelling of something like goat. The always gracious host, the artist Paul Woods, held his tongue as the English are known to do in embarrassing moments, but was heard muttering later in the evening: "That man fucks goats." Indeed the night ended with the appearance of what looked like a goat or sheep standing outside the gallery window. When asked what species might be waiting for him, the ugly American prepared hastily to leave, referring to it only as: "Gotta go. That's my ride.""

Artist's disclaimer (#184):

The DO NOT TOUCH collection of printed children's clothing is a most serious project. The number of articles shown in the exhibition inscribed with shocking messages will be matched with an equal number of articles inscribed with the message DO NOT TOUCH. The text SHOOT ME IN THE BACK attached to a child's shirt is not (only) a sensationalist gimmick. Nor is it designed to encourage the exhibition visitor to shoot a child in the back. It is intended to HELP that visitor IMAGINE the moment, no matter how uncomfortable that imagining may be, when a child, somewhere, sometime - right now as it happens - is shot in the back for real.

POLITICALLY INCORRECT NASTINESS HAPPENS TO CHILDREN IN EVERY NEIGHBOURHOOD EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY.

(Easily offended gallery visitors will be spared the discomforting site of a real child's real blood and real guts.

(Supporting Absolute Freedom of Speech, the artist has decided not to sue the writer of the above ugly piece. He is merely going to shoot Him-Her through the mouth at their very next rendezvous.)

February 24

NIKKI SUDDEN & MAX DECHARNE

Photo: Thomas Heger

Unfortunately they did not get recorded last night. Nor did the CDs arrive to enjoy their own release party. Whilst Sir Thomas was instructed to stop showing a fascinating film about a black & white man posing aimlessly beneath a Beetles haircut by Mr Sudden, busy strutting his own thing, admittedly to much better effect. Too much competition for his suit, he told me later. First time worn, its maker present, scissors in hand, radiant with pride and professional cunning. The special occasion was in fact the Hanoi Rocks gig at SO36 which Nikki was keen not to miss, the cream as it were upon another fulfilling evening, and for which we headed when the organ didn't work and the red wine ran out. Only 200 tickets had been sold (sic) so Nikki's favourite band of the night played instead at that horrible place Kato down the road.

Walked back to the gallery in a gentle snow storm to find Sir Thomas with his feet up in the Wallylounge massaging the guts of the last guests with his Short Film Soup. Amongst them a very enthusiastic bloke whose enthusiasm, like my own oftentimes, DONE MY HEAD IN, and pretty timid Tanja K. who now holds a membership card for 2005, if not life.

Happy to have met Max-with-an-accent-my-last-name, author of slang encyclopaedias and other books with hard titles - and OFFICIAL WALLYWOODS KEYBOARDIST OF THE WEEK.

February 20

EIKO KIMURA & ALEXANDER KROHN

Photo: Thomas Heger

Never written to Japan before:

"Thankyou for your message Eiko.
Was a very nice opening yesterday. Alexander's FELSENSTERN songs and poems were very pretty; minimal, like your drawings, which are showing here for ten days..."

February 17

WALLYWOODS MUSIC

Photo: Thomas Heger

To an anonymous Australian(*):

"Excellent evening, Anonymous Australian.
Big thanks once again. Things got a bit vague last night - just to check, shall I put you on the calendar to play at my Big Fucking Chairs vernissage on 2 March then? I think we can use that industrial hanger at the back. Please let me know SAP. Also, following up on yesterday's drunken discussions, below is the e-mail I just sent Nikki. He wants to play again next Wednesday. And apart from that - Xandi Krohn is doing a nice little show here on Saturday. If that's too short notice for you to do your thing again, maybe you can advice me as to what I need to set up, so I or someone else can record? Would be great either way - though I heartily invite you and would be overjoyed if you swam by on your emu again..."

To a conspicuous Englishman:

"Excellent evening Nikki.
Big thanks once again. Can you confirm next gig on 23 February - and PLEASE ask Dimitri(s) to put it on your website SAP with the CORRECT spelling of Gallery WALLYWOODS (one word)! I've told him this three times with null response.
A.A. will record again next Wednesday. I will try to have last night's CD done by then, as well as the first Wallywoods Session (Bob's Wallylounge) recorded the week before.
Only your first set was recorded last night as you know - I would like it to be uncut, banter included - should run for 40 mins. Can we take it up again next week with a set of songs not included in yesterdays first set (if you don't remember them, I'll ask A.A. for a set-list. We will need the titles anyway, and if you like, credits. Plus any other info you want me to put inside the cover which has now been designed).
For a second set next time I would like you to be joined by a musician of agreed quality whom you haven't necessarily worked with (much) before. Like Bruno, Alexander Krohn (Britannia Theatre), Johnny Zabala, René from Infamis, or A.A. himself perhaps - or a black chick with an unusual instrument - whatever. Basically I'd like to mix it up a bit, giving the CDs a jammy feel, producing experimental collaborations not found anywhere else, to be marketed blatantly as hot new off-scene releases available at Wallywoods Music.
Tell me what you think..."

(*That was multi-talent Jon Evans, mixer in this case, who didn't want his name spread on any CDs for almost understandable reasons.)

February 10

THE SPY REPORTS

Photo: Thomas Heger

"Last night at Gallery Wallywoods was truly a night to forget. Principally because no one showed up. But as well because at one point in the evening an anonymous Australian arrived with a handful of CENSORED.

"The festivities began triumphantly with a mesmerizing performance by master electronicist Bob King. With nothing more than a few old gismos from disco yesteryear the devout minimalist created an hallucinogenic symphony in analog counterpoint. The sound show was completed by a light show installed by photo-serialkiller Thomas Heger who projected a series of surreal photos visually murdering anyone who had ever entered the sacred pale-gray walls of Wallywoods. One by one the victims were shown in their worst light creating the sublime effect of a virtual night of the living dead, highlighting the blueish CENSORED of rock legend Nikki Sudden and his entourage of the criminally inane. As well the host, the artist Paul Woods, exhibited his latest work, a conceptual piece. On display were a series of coffee cups and tee-shirts imprinted with portraits of celebrities who no-one knows, including the star of the evening Bob King who is so well-unknown that nobody bothered to show up. Imbued with a subversive irony, the work managed to dumbfound the few people who did show up, which in fact was the intention of the artist.

Among those few who did show up:

1) The ugly American arrived ready to leave, pooped from a long day buggering a golden retriever left in his care by a close friend who had in fact asked him to sit the dog. The host, the artist Paul Woods, upon hearing this distressing account, ordered the ugly American to remove his large organ from the cluttered premises before next Wednesday: on February 16 there will be an opening party for an exhibition of artist Kai Pohl's famed "logos", as well as a series of CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED.

2) Author and social critic Ulrike Heider who commented shortly before running out the door: "I'm cold. No one's here. I'm going home."

3) A few hundred unidentified people who looked in the window, saw an empty room and split not realizing that another room in the back has been renovated for installations and exhibitions (ring the CENSORED bell).

4) An anonymous Australian called Jon Evans who claimed to have arrived on the back of an emu. In fact he just thought he'd arrived on the back of an emu. In fact the faithful gathered around the bar insisted on informing the anonymous Australian that the emu is not native to Northern Germany and therefore would be unlikely to accompany him on a night out in Berlin; that is, until they swallowed the anonymous Australian's little CENSORED.

5) The Spy.

For once the host, the artist Paul Woods, did not black out and indeed remembers everything exactly as it occurred for the rest of the evening into the early hours of the morning. It seems that not only did emus show up but as well a caravan of naked women, mostly Swedish blondes on their way back from Africa where they were escaping the February sun of Stockholm for a bit of skiing in the desert."

February 6

UNDER A TRUTH POTION

the Spy told me He-She was once photographed by Andy Warhol. I said, "Only once? How many people have you blabbed that state secret to?" He-She said, "Everyone I've met since", and went on to confess the following:

KEVIN JUNIOR 05.02.05

Photo: Thomas Heger

"Last night at Gallery Wallywoods was truly a night to remember. Kevin Junior was the star of the evening, but as well several orbiting planets added their voices to the festivities, including at least one rock legend and a number of substance-impaired hopefuls.

The evening began with a no-show. Due to the inclement weather many Wallywoods regulars felt obliged to stay home and feed their hungry coal ovens. But the freezing temperature had an inspiring effect on the host, the artist Paul Woods, who has been quoted as saying that he finds "cold and starvation a means to an end." Propelled into a series of ironic conceptual pieces he was seen in his gallery window painting self-help tips over a number of prefab landscapes. Entitled "Wallyisms" they included the proverb: Those who fornicate with milk cartons are bound to turn sour.

Finally the first guest showed up, an anonymous young woman who never removed her coat, refused to communicate in any language, refused any alcoholic or non-alcoholic beverage, and spent the next hour staring out the window in expectation of a second coming. When this failed to appear she left without a word.

Then an entourage of Happydeath club members arrived in the company of rock legend Nikki Sudden, who was quoted as saying that he has "nothing to do with the people who follow me around. I barely know their names." Among them were Kevin Junior, the star of the evening who, having survived his first currywurst, was able to show up for his performance without the aid of a respirator, Elizabeth X, Alex X and a number of swinging hangers-on including one young blond woman who attracted much attention with her many talents, including being young and blond. So clever, she was even able to find the men's room. Interrupting the Ugly American in the middle of a beautiful urination she was told that she could assist by bending over the rim to which she replied in impeccable English: "I am very sorry to underbreak you."

But the highlight of the evening was indeed when Kevin Junior told a long intricate story about how almost penniless and very hungry he spent his last coins on an ice-cream sundae only to find that the cashier was willing to donate it to his cause for nothing more than a cute smile in return. At that point the audience let out an audible awwww and the Ugly American was heard muttering "I'll eat his ice-cream sundae anytime." The incoherent tale was followed by a performance of the song it inspired which compensated for any narrative deficiency with a poignant lyricism. Later Kevin Junior was joined in song by a blushing Elizabeth X, followed by impromptu performances by rock legend Nikki Sudden, newley-arrived-American David X who, fresh off the boat, had yet to realize that Berliners don't introduce themselves by reciting their Curricula Vitae, and Axel X whose CENSORED is so good that it enabled him to sing with his back to the audience without noticing that no sound had ever exited his mouth.

As the evening proceeded more guests showed up including two young men on drugs and social welfare, and award-winning writer and social critic Ulrike Heider whose last book has documented the Frankfurt bohemia of the 70's, Joschka Fischer and Daniel Cohn-Bendit among her former comrades-in-arms. Asked what she thought of this new bohemia she commented: "I love the music, the poetry, the fashion, the hair styles and the attitude. It's just as it was." But she was more critical of the host, the artist Paul Woods. "He's scary," she said.

The host, the artist Paul Woods, was later seen wandering aimlessly down Zossenerstrasse looking for prostitutes who do it for free (also known as sluts) but having blacked out earlier in the evening has no memory of the experience whatsoever."

February 4

BUILDING A CREATIVE BUSINESS

takes more concentration and time than, I imagine, building a business which is not creative; like, er... other businesses. And now the Wallywoods II nugget of a brain-wave is clogging the pipe-line, I'm handing over the keeping of my personal diaries to a Spy who has infiltrated this little nest and is currently blackmailing or bribing me with the threat of widely publicising rude and irregular reports loosely based on gallery events as they occur, or let's say, as they occur to Him-Her.

Disclaimer: Wallywoods has read the contents of the Spy's first bulletin and considers it impolite, undesirable and unprofessional. Complaints and law-suits will be dealt with promptly and cheaply...

JOHNNY X 02.02.05 CHARLIE & LIZZY 02.02.05

Photo: Thomas Heger

(Some names have been deleted and some nuggets of knowledge censored for no reason whatsoever.)

"Wednesday evening at Gallery Wallywoods was truly a night to remember. A full house, a riveting performance by Elizabeth X of Capital Jig fame and her dearly departing Charlie X as well as countless impromptu sessions of strumming and yodelling, the forced eviction of a drunken Berliner, the auctioning of the last painting of 93-year-old Erika Belokrinicev, some ugly comments by the Ugly American, and a guest appearance by the local Mid-Eastern mob and coincidentally the German police, followed by the blacking out of the host, the artist Paul Woods.

To begin with, Elizabeth X's performance so captivated her audience that barely a sound could be heard in the packed room until the Ugly American was heard whispering in rock legend Nikki Sudden's ear: "Sounds like pussy-strumming to me," to which Mr Sudden replied nothing, preferring to simply walk away in disgust.

The subtle performance continued uninterrupted until at one point it was realized by one and all that the singer's precious pitch was being accompanied by the random grunts and occasional harmonica tones of an aged drunken man whose still-breathing corpse was later to be identified as that of famed Berliner bluesman Johnny X. Although the performer paid him no attention, so involved in her delicate expression, at least one audience member was disturbed by the disturbance. Prominent Galleristin Tine X stood up and ordered the host to evict the undesirable at which point Elizabeth was asked to stop singing and sit in silence so that the undesirable could be gently removed while the audience stood by and watched. With the help of a reluctant Thomas Heger the undesirable was indeed removed and the evening proceeded though some of the guests were mildly disturbed by having witnessed the deportation, a fascist moment in the middle of an otherwise communal night of peace and love.

Elizabeth was later joined in song by her dearly departing who ended their last and parting duet by grabbing his bag and departing early for the next plane out (6AM budget fare). The evening proceeded with lust and vigor as one after the other singer/guitarists from around Berlin showed up to strum and sing their hearts out, including visiting singer/guitarist Kevin Junior who will be performing Saturday evening at the gallery if he survives his first currywurst. The American musician was last seen at an all-night imbiss where he tried a sampling of the Berlin delicacy without reading the warning label (not to be ingested with other medication, specifically opiates of any kind) and promptly passed out in the gutter.

As well the evening witnessed a cameo appearance by opera singer Mark Molomot who was in town for a performance of early French music with an ensemble from the Berlin Philharmonic. The high tenor was placed in a waiting taxi (early to bed before opening night) just as a group of 7 local thugs arrived to case the joint, perhaps extort money or steal something of value. They soon realized that there was nothing of value except great art, which is clearly of no value to someone who makes a living selling dope and stolen handies. And so they settled down to join the festivities, entranced as everyone else with the sight and song of Elizabeth X.

Perhaps the high point of the evening was when finally big guy Australian Bruno Adams belted out some good ole-fashioned rock and roll with nothing more than his unamplified voice and an acoustic guitar. It was enough to bring the house down, literally, as just then the police showed up, responding to a noise complaint presumably from the Australian peace activist living above the gallery (no relation to his fellow countryman). The police were very gentle in their persuasion, refusing any drugs or alcohol and paying not the slightest attention to the presence of the local mini-mob in their midst.

Perhaps the low point of the evening was when the Ugly American was asked to stop playing with his organ, informed by prominent Galleristin Tine X in a most direct form of Germanized English: "You're music makes my head hurt." To which he politely replied: "I'm so sorry for your head. Try sticking it in the toilet bowl."

The evening was concluded by turning the dim lights on and the scant heat off at which point still no one left and Thomas Heger began the closing auction of a number of peculiar works of art. The last painting of 93-year old Erika Belokrinicev (painted when she was already blind) was sold for a steal but then withdrawn from auction because the offer was deemed unacceptable to the auctioneer who was drunk and stoned at the time and somehow managed to outbid the final bid himself. At that point the door was flung open and the cold air let in, always a good way to say farewell. The host, the artist Paul Woods, was later seen wandering down Bergmannstrasse looking for prostitutes who do it for free (also known as sluts) but having blacked out earlier in the evening has no memory of the experience whatsoever."

January 27

ON THE 60th ANNIVERSARY

of the liberation of Auschwitz, Gerda Schmidt reads from the Wansee Protocol.
Accompanied by a digital slide-show by Sig Bang Schmidt.

GERDA SCHMIDT 26.01.05

Photo: Thomas Heger

January 17

FROM ROBERT

"Ok... seems you propose a challenge which I like. Yes, I agree with your idea of a brainstorming/group writing workshop. And if you have any ideas how to put the right people together for a session let me know. I would be up for it and should come to Berlin mid February. And I would be interested in meeting the drag queen you wrote about... the part is not cast at all. I will speak to the producers regarding how much you should be paid and to put it in the budget, but at the moment they are putting together the presentation package so they can raise money. So don't do anything unless you really want to. Pity that you did not like Gabi's painting, but I will tell her to send other material when she can and maybe one will click with you. OK... Let me know what you think."

January 15

HALLO ROBERT

SIG BANG SCHMIDT 14.01.05

Photo: Thomas Heger

"First, to get something tricky out the way, Gabbi's painting just doesn't fit what I'm trying to do here. Sorry. Speaking as one profi to another profi you'll understand that I'm being very choosy about the work I'm presenting and must avoid items which too wildly vary from the other 'stock'. People are so easily confused, and I can too easily be side-tracked. The decisions and compromises I make at this crucial time are based 100 percent on what I reckon is good for the business, which is rapidly looking more commercial (for good or for bad).

I'm sure Gabbi will understand too, but she's free to send as much material as she likes per e-mail. Given a wider choice, I may well be interested in something else, collages or objects maybe. And please pass on my congrats and good luck for her exhibition!

Chris didn't show last night, he was playing at KKK I think, so I've yet to talk to him. I will soon get to see the Prague film, though. He missed a smashing party. Nikki brought a big crowd and wooed me with a birthday song, John came along for the first time, Bob and Paul arrived later to take over the sounds and Tanja, who I've decided to marry, threatened to hit me. I lost track of all the lovely women hanging around at the finish and ended up in a bar with fat Gunter Haring, very drunk. If you've ever met him you'll know why that was an anti-climax after an outstanding birthday.

About the film. Between you and me (don't want to upset anyone), I would be wary about allowing the writer to shape the script into too much of a typical mainstream German film. He's right in most of the suggestions he made - the version I saw was too skeletal, to the point of being quite dull, I hope you don't mind me saying. But having lived in this country for twelve years or more, and having so rarely seen a German film which wasn't a pale and blatant imitation of Hollywood pop-pulp, in which subtlety is abandoned for over-statement and hollow slick ad-visuals, and ESPECIALLY where comedy is concerned, I fear you may not be giving your international backers and artists the credit they should expect. (Don't send this e-mail out with your other updates!)

You mentioned brainstorming. For quite a while I've had the notion that 'group writing' (i.e. Friends) is a brilliant method of coming up quickly with dynamic, funny and above all naturalistic dialogue - dialogue being the most important clue to the quality of ANY film. Before you sent the re-write e-mail, I was about to suggest we do some brainstorming here in Berlin. I can think of half a dozen excellent writers who might want to come to some workshops, solely to work on dialogue and character profiles. Paid work - I would have to be able to offer some financial package - but not huge. Michael would be most welcome, too; and essential sooner or later. Anyone in fact, the more the merrier. I think I would just live-record the whole session, search for gems after sobering up, and write down the best stuff to continue at the next session.
One job to start with would be coming up with a better name for Daffodil - who runs the risk, by the way, of becoming a tiresomely unoriginal, cliché-burdened character. (As it happens, I met a beautiful and cultured German transvestite who does a solo cabaret act and fits the part perfectly. Do you already have the actor?)

I'm going to photograph Chris as soon as I can (will borrow a digital camera) and make a poster, based on the last shot in the film - Ian from the shoulders up: hot, sweating, sticks flying, drumming like mad, confused as usual, but somehow having found himself whilst Lost in Berlin! Would that be useful for your presentations? Should I make a series of posters using the actors who are in town? I would include the title to begin with, but would later need whatever text and credits you can supply current at the time.

But the main thing we need to talk about is getting me started, now I have the space to do it, on the main design work. I will be learning much as I go along, and would appreciate a head-start (I shan't mention all the other things I have to do right now - its gonna be a hell of a year).

By the way, the Social cut me off. I don't know why yet. Amazingly, I found a hundred bucks in the cash box after the party last night, even sold some posters, but will soon be drowning in bills again; though hopefully no longer starving. When can we discuss pay? I have no idea what an art director of my inexperience is worth - how can I when I don't know what one does yet..?"

January 13

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUM!

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